The Sun is Almost Here

So the weather is still trash but we've had about 3 days of sun in the last month which is 2 more than the last 7 months so things seem better. 
A friend came to visit this past weekend and it was really great walking the neighborhood with new eyes to see things I've been walking past without ever noticing.
Tomorrow I am headed back out to Denver to work with/hang out with my new coworker and old roch bff. Yay!
Contracts for conference have been signed and this winter I will be spending a week at a dude ranch in Texas with my department.   That will be interesting. and fun. and weird i'm sure.
My boss asked me if I had a boyfriend yet.  I said no and he quickly replied... "or girlfriend...I don't know.. that's ok too.. I never know"   nope. 
Lastly.  There are four apartments in my house but I seem to be the only one moving the trash bins to and from the curb for garbage day.  I don't like that.   

Moments of commitment

Weird things have been happening recently.   I signed the lease.  I don't plan to see it through but this will be the first apartment EVER that I've stayed in for more than a year.  Is that true? I think that's true.  woah.  Totally growing up.  one 10 year period at a time. 
I also have a lot of relationships in weird places right now. good places, unfamiliar totally normal places that I forgot about.
Work is great. I'm in an upswing with all my admins and everyone is smart and friendly and competent.. it goes in phases of great/easy and awful/miserable and this is definitely the phase people dream of when they think about working.  Also, my company went public and if we don't go bust I will totally get rich off my stock options.  thank you work.   (if you don't know me:  "rich" means I'll "have less student loan debt")
I actually had made a list of goals on new years and recently found it.  unknowingly, I had accomplished two items on the list.  I also must have remembered some others because i'm half way there.
I think I have decided where i'm moving at the end of this run. 


*at a coffee shop and every table around me is talking about people they know and their facebook posts/pictures/relationships.  

Remember that intern that sang about the sun

It happened. The lease renewal came today.  I thought I had another month.  It's too soon but I need to go west.  I need sun.  Please come back sun.  We did see 50 degrees this week though. it was pretty spectacular.  It was of course grey and followed by 10 degrees and 19 inches of snow the next day but it's almost 50 again today.. two days after the storm.  I feel as bipolar as this weather. 

thank you, fireman

Oh shit.  the scariest thing just happened to me. I was walking home from the bar.. Its not a far walk but it was a really nice day so I wore shoes instead of my boots. I was walking home and a silver sedan with a back door rolled by me and hollered at me. nbd.  but then it hualted quickly and turned down the street and came then came back up a block away, it circled back in front of me and I walked slower to not cross as they passed.  a fire truck was a few blocks off.  they came back two street up as I hit ice covered over by snow and bit it.   they quickly turned, drove half the distance between us and backed into an alley way.  I crossed the st to the fire truck and knocked on the doors to wake up the slumbering men inside.  the driver came out and I explained the story.  I lived a block down, I was getting circled.  he was nice and concerned to a modest extent until they pulled out of the alley and I pointed out the car.  He seemed to believe me more and immediately take more concern, understandably so... they circled twice more in our conversation and I made to be sure to tell him what the other side of the car looked like.  the second time,  he made a point to point them out.  Then, he talked about calling 911 loudly.  After that he hung out with me a while longer.   I felt like an emergency call wasn't necessary but hanging out by sirens for a while was.  Eventually they stopped circling for a long enough, that I felt ok making it home with just his promise to watch me walk.  I'm home. life is ok.  the moral of the story is men in trucks with sirens are your friend. and wear boots.   

Knock Knock, Shut Up, Oh

So my upstairs neighbors have been playing music since they moved in several months ago.   It's been here and there and i was empathetic to musicians wants to make music.  If it was really bothering me, i'd just go down the street to the coffee house or something.  I guess I didn't say anything for long enough that it seemed like their second story apartment was a good venue because band practice started happening alllll the time.  I was getting more and more frustrated and yesterday it was loud and during the day and I had calls to make so I finally went upstairs and told them it needed to stop. 

What do you know, three hours later i'm going to a bar to see my friend John play and my upstairs neighbors are there and in one of the bands playing. Why did I pick that day.   so awkward.

Today, by the way, the house has been SILENT.   It's amazing.

Moving

My lease is coming up soon - I don't know which month exactly but soon.    I don't know what to do.  I can't decide what to do.  I've never had so much freedom.  I want to go everywhere!  Some days being near family seems important; others, a plane ride will suffice.  Some days I want to live near friends but then I think about friends moving and me wondering how I got somewhere I didn't want to be.  Some days, I want a unique landscape.  Sometimes just a movie theatre and ikea.   Lately, I really just want sunshine and a pool.  Five months of winter and grey is so depressing.  I always planned as an adult to just find a job that I really liked and move to where it was... I never anticipated finding a job I really liked and being able to move anywhere that I wanted.   How do I know where the right place to go is?  How do I decided this!?   THIS IS TOO MUCH PRESSURE.

Ice Heart

So much snow and ice here.  I was walking the other day and did that thing where I tensed all of my muscles to try and not fall.   In the moment, I didn't think about anything other than staying upright.  But later when I was not "being careful" and just randomly slipped and half-fell, I realized how walking so tensely was more painful/uncomfortable than the half-fall out of nowhere.  Which got me thinking about how drunk drivers don't get as injured as non-drunk drivers in car accidents.  Which got me wondering if there's a psychological correlation as well.  Does bracing ourselves for pain in-and-of-itself make everything hurt more?  Is attempting to protect yourself the difference between becoming jaded and being happy?    

Waste

Sometimes I like to leave the lights and tv on when I go out.  Just to come home to signs of life.

Moving Gossip

So... It may or may not be true but I've heard from someone who heard from a reliable source that a boy I work with up and moved to Florida this week (because it's too cold here).   He is in fact in Florida, but he had a house? and a boyfriend?  and he told me last week he was probably going to switch his internet provider to mine because his was so unreliable? Waiting another 13 hours for answers from him might kill me.  I need to know how this happened.  and if it happened. and what's going on with his house. and did he really own a house. and did he meet someone in a club when we were there for training who he fell in love with and has been text dating ever since and now moved to be with.  or did he and his boyfriend break up suddenly and he moved far away to start a new life in a new place. or is he just working from starbucks in Florida on a Wednesday for fun.  because he can.   

TV might be good for you

I like to move.  I also really like meeting strangers.  There are a number of reasons why, but one of the greatest is this notion of not wanting to get stuck in my life or myself.  Living abroad kind of spoils you to experiencing other cultures and teaching in S. Korea you become exposed to so many different cultures and lifestyles and people (that you normally may not) just by the nature of your position there.  I've come to learn that there is this common thread amongst myself and other teachers I knew from there feeling this sense of resentment about us not caring about our life before.  It's not true.  We all care about the people who formally played (or still play) a large roll in our lives.  It's just different.  As is any life change. Marriage, babies, relocation, whatever it may be.  I think the main difference is just this desire to not get stuck in your own world.  I'm not sure I've transitioned very well.  Ok. I'm sure. I haven't. I didn't. In the sense that we've felt ok about things but have heard we're not being good friends.  None of us intended or felt like we were being that way but finding out it wasn't just me has been really comforting/freeing. 
So I was watching tv and it struck a cord and reminded me of things I've been living but long since forgotten....or maybe couldn't verbalize before seeing it third party.  They talked about cutting off your old life and relationships that were physically absent  to make yourself feel ok. Basically on a very simple level, to be able to keep operating inspite of the loss.  I think that happened.  I think it reads sometimes as (me) being a bad friend...and I don't say that to minimalize it - maybe just point blank - I was being a bad friend.  But at some point, it seemed necessary - more so being back than away even.  But that's a small part - and not true for too many ppl in my life but was probably very true for some.  Beyond that however, there is this huge difference between a community of strangers that band together because language or culture are their bond and the other world where things aren't changing and you create some sense of change.  It was really strange to love strangers and to go home to people I loved but to hear more gossip and hate about one another than I heard in years.  It's part of why I wanted to leave.   More love.  But, I think watching tv reminds me of that sense that originally rang true to me in Korea and made me love strangers. It drew/draws me in to the idea of meeting new people because It's just really nice to be reminded that the world and people are so much greater than my world and myself.  I don't have it all figured out yet.  The balance that needs to happen between the two worlds.  and I think a large burden lies on me just being a good friend to the people I've known forever.  But along with that, I wish everyone could keep drama low and the community large because there is always another perspective or life story you wouldn't have on your own.  There is so much mutually beneficial in  opening yourself up to others.   And if i'm being completely honest, it's easier too.  A stranger doesn't have conceptions of who you should be or what you should do.  You get to be authentic without the pressure of your reputation.  If you've got issues undealt with, they'll surface again - it's no escape from yourself that's for sure...But perhaps your patterns.  Which we could all use once in a while.  And maybe should be mandatory.   I have this really inappropriate joke with a friend about needing cancer so I can appreciate things.   It's terribly distasteful to say, especially considering.  But the heart of that - is that some of us need reminders outside of our regular lives that we're blessed or happy or fucked or doing well.   You can't always see it in your own head.  You can't always see it surrounded by everything you've always known.  Sometimes you need to see it happening to someone else to remember it's a thing.        
I feel blessed to know the people  I have known for years.  I don't get super sappy but i'd be excited about a reunion of my Korean work friends clashing w/ my phil and roch friends and seeing how that all plays out.  In my mind we're all old and everyone would like each other and learn more about one another.  it could be great. 
I felt guilty for a while but have learned that the issue is beyond ourselves.  I think very open and honest discourse is the only solution to these set backs.  and if thats not an option then I guess you're just resigned to hating or scoffing or whatever else people do.  But I like learning more and growing and new exposures so   it should happen..  we should just get 1 million different stories together with a swan fountain and live like it's 2003 again.  it's like finding out in hs jocks and punk rock kids hang out together because they all smoke weed.   there's a common bond everywhere  you just have to find it and we should all be nice!

Facebook Free

I am taking a break from facebook.   I'm not sure if it will be for all of 2k14, or for a while, or forever but so far, i'm really enjoying it.  I spent so much time just doing nothing on there. I'd sit and just scroll scroll scroll, reading tons of things that don't matter and don't have anything to do with me.  I also felt like I was up-to-date on everyone.  Which I was.  But only in a weird way.  And it made it seem like I didn't have to actually ask people how they're doing.  Because I already knew.  Without it now, I have to text or call or write letters.  It's making me better and I like it better. I also felt really uncomfortable knowing personal thoughts of people I didn't know very well.  I mean, people probably shouldn't post their breakup drama (etc) online (in general), and while I love reading it and being entertained by it -  it just felt a little dirty that I was reading it...and being entertained by it.  So that's all.  No facebook for me right now.  Maybe eventually I will become my grandpa and think the internet as a whole is stupid and reject it.  For now, I like online banking.  And this weird dirty invasive online journal of mine.  And my job.  

How bout later?

I am a huge procrastinator.  I am actually procrastinating from the work I was going to do on Wed, then Thurs, then Friday and then yesterday, which I decided to do today, by writing this blog entry.  I've always been this way.  I had a roommate my second year in college who was the same major as me and shared several English classes with me.  She would spend a week or so writing her papers and I would do mine about an hour before class.  The difference between her A, my B and the week of fun seemed like I was winning.  She obviously remembers things about the books we read and is much smarter than I am but at least I got to kiss a lot of boys.  I can't really decide if it's a personality thing or a discipline thing but all that really matters is that I do get stuff done.  Honestly though just thinking about this blog entry ending, I want to put my work off til tomorrow or Tuesday but i'm really sick so I might as well make good use of my home time before i'm so sick that I can't get out of bed.  Wouldn't want to die with clients needing a site build still now, would I.
Also, lets talk about this.  Me working from home = me getting sick so often.  Does this happen to everyone?  Do I just need to go outside more? Is it just the weather? Or is it really my lack of human interaction?  I feel like I've been sick more in the last few months than I was since I got my tonsils out years ago.   One more reason why I need a roommate.  Someone to keep me around germs...and get me soup.  Mmm..soup.  Ok. maybe I'll make some soup and watch a tv show and then finish these builds.

I want an accent with this tea

If I seek out someone from the UK to date, does that make me racist?   I really miss having great accents around.
I think it's the only resolution I feel good about.

Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!!   

Christmas:   Got to hang with my parents a lot.  I stayed at their house for a few days since my brother, his wife and their son came to visit the day after.  I worked from the house so I could hang out with them - which involved a few hours in a room making calls and most of the day playing cards with my laptop open on the table.   Pretty amazing.  So nice to hang out with them and their son was adorable and lovey and full of hugs and kisses which is always wonderful for aunts. Also, lots of out of town friends stopped over to visit and it made me miss living around everyone. college days. Being 20 and living with a million friends was so much more fun.

New Years:  New Years was great.  But i realized that i tell every single boy who asks me if i'm single that i'm not.  It never seemed that bad because it only happened once in a while but last night it was a hundred boys and putting them all together in one night made me realize that I always do it. like, on principle.  except it's a lie and i don't know why i'm telling it.  GET IT TOGETHER.

Resolutions:  I've never been a big fan of making resolutions but the last few years I think about them.  I was considering making "take a shower every day even though you work from home"  one of mine for this year then decided i'm still not a person for resolutions yet - maybe i'm working my way up to them.  showering everyday is a lot to ask, ya know?  maybe next year.

Wonderful Texas

So I did it. I went to Austin, I lived, I survived, some might say I thrived while I was there.  "some" being me.  but from an outside perspective I can imagine my thriving could have looked a little more like falling down drunk.   Just that one time when I missed a step. and then in the house.  Anyway, we had a great time. we conquered rainy street.  at the house I just slipped and the next day I had the bruises and cuts to prove it.  I infact still do. my mom said she's never seen a bruise so big in her life.   she was very concerned for me until I told her I may have had a few too many drinks before falling..   sympathy went out the door.  it was my fault.  no fun.   anyway, i'm at this old lady's house now for the holiday.  she wanted to watch the 700 club but turned me on to gator boys instead. I spent hours watching people wrestle gators. it is Christmas.  this seemed like the ok thing to do.  there were cards and fried dough and cards and milkshakes mixed in but it was a pretty serious string of gatoreducation.  I almost want to move to the south now.  to be near the good ol' boys.  it would be nice.   it's weird because usually this Ambien makes me hallucinate or get groggy before I fall asleep but today its just encouraging me to type more about gators. and bruises.  the shit that really matters.  good night America. 

if you can. 

**serious update: I am pretending to be a kid and staying at my parents for the week. yay!  my brother and his wife& baby are here as of like 15 minutes ago so we should have a fun next few days of playing baby games and board games and hugging and being family. also, I hear beta and the browns will join us on sunday which will mean so many friends being so happy in one house and I am so excited!  also, wh can see my apt and know that it is real.  also, I do not want to do any work tomorrow or Friday. I want to be on vacation.   I am scared of the post Christmas rage people take out on everyone.

and I want to see the marry poppins movie.

The Miracle of Plane Flight.

There's this bit by lewey that I really like.  He talks about how miserable everyone is in spite of the amazing things that have happened with technology and life etc.   I'm on a plane right now IMing someone. for fun. and blogging.   Little things like this are still completely crazy and amazing to me.  Maybe because i'm an old lady at heart?  Or because I traveled for a living and have more patience for it than some?  Maybe because i was a little bit removed from things?  Oh... i think i got it.  I bet just hating life in general puts me in a unique position where i can easily love and appreciate the small things.  Most people do it the other way, right?  love life and bitch about all the details?   I don't like that.  Anyway,  I AM WRITING THIS FROM A PLANE. it's a miracle!  (an old miracle that i am finally getting to appreciate)  

On my last flight, I sat in a row by myself!  I was so stoked.  Then i realized that no one sat near me because i picked the row next to the baby. oops.  Her older brother really wanted attention...or maybe he wanted to drown the crying out but he sang the 'batman smells' version of jingle bells for about half the flight.  I thought it was really cute and funny.  I also liked that his mom never yelled at him.  I think i would have told my kid to be quiet to be considerate of the ppl around.  I think she was right though.  I guess when you have had 6 kids, you get really good at knowing what to and what not to care about.  The teacher/aunt in me really wanted to play a game with the kid.  It could have been nice.  I wish befriending children wasn't creepy?   Ok so anyway, if you haven't seen the LCK thing, watch it.

http://www.thatvideosite.com/v/94

Wake Up Calls

I am so tired.  Last night was the first night I tried sleeping without stilnox or copious amounts of booze in months.  Months?  Ok. Years.  There was that two month phase when my supply from my Korean doctor had run out and I didn't have health insurance but I was unemployed and sleeping through the afternoons. So it didn't really matter much that I wasn't falling asleep til the early morning.   Anyway, I went to get my prescription yesterday and it wasn't ready. Glitch in the system. Everyone was told the wrong day/time and meds were in high demand.  I didn't have the time to wait around since I was on lunch and I finished working after the pharmacy was closed so I tried taking melatonin and drinking brandy but it didn't help.  I was wide awake still at 4am and getting really nervous about whether or not i'd wake up for work.  I was so nervous about it, that when I did fall asleep around 5, I kept having dreams that would wake me up every 5 or so minutes. I dreamt I was being attacked by bed bugs. I dreamt I was sleeping in a high rise apartment and my Asian neighbor kept playing the violin on her rooftop and waking up the neighborhood.  This happened over and over again until one of the neighbors pulled a gun on her and she ran inside.  Then I dreamt I was sleeping outside in a parking lot, under a tarp, and kept waking up because people were either tripping over me or because I was scared someone was going to try and harm me.  I hear taking sleep meds will give you bad dreams but apparently not taking them will really do the trick.  I just need a nap. A really good, long nap.  If only I could nap...

*Update.  While working later this day, I heard my upstairs neighbor playing the violin.  I'm not really sure if it was in my dream because i've heard it before (without really being aware of it) or because i am in fact a prophet but it's certainly one of those two.

Sorry #NotSorry

I was playing cards with my parents the other day and having tons of fun.  What is wrong with me. That's all I kept thinking as I was enjoying it.  Then I thought about it for days and days cause...well, that's what I do. 
I'm pretty sure it has something to do with being really authentic around them.  And/or knowing that when I say terrible or stupid things they will still like me after.  I mean, my dad said he was going to disown me at one point during the day, but I reminded him that he already tried to do that when I was 18 and came home with a lip ring.  Obviously, as my "favorite child" Christmas ornament* indicates - it didn't work.
So we played several games but ended with pinochle.  It's typically a couple's game but there is a 3 player version with a kitty.  We grew up playing Pinochle.  I usually win against them but mostly because I have enough faith to make run-like bids banking on the hope that I'll actually make a run with the kitty.  It's really foolish but being the prophet that I am, I can usually sense when my cards are there.  jk.  But the curiosity of the kitty KILLS me and while my mom will tell me if the one card I was looking for is in there, my dad will not. So if I'm ever REALLY losing, I will just out-bid him every time just to know the cards.  Really, only a parent could love me.
 
So playing my mom says: "You know growing up, my sister used to bring her boyfriends over to play cards with Charlie and my Mom.  You should bring someone over so we can play partners."
Me: "But Charlie and Grandma were fun"

My dad got offended and my mom laughed hysterically.  Typical tom and alexis reactions.  


*I'm not really their favorite.  I think they just feel a sense of purpose when I'm around because I still need my mom to fix the washing machine when I break it and call my dad to ask about car things.  I'm also the only one that doesn't have a spouse or kids who need my attention more than them.  They're still my only family.  Honestly, as much as I want to move, when I think about not living near them, it makes me pretty sad.  These last two years home have been really good for us.  And no one encourages my mom to buy a puppy against my dad's wishes like I do.   Oh yeah!  That was when he threatened to disown me.  When I talked about the cute puppy and kitten they'd be getting in their Christmas stockings.  

When my mom retires, puppy gifts are fair game.  Right?

100 days of shut up

I have a really high tolerance for tv drama.  Incredibly high.  Higher than most teenagers. 
100 days of summer, is one of the worst tv shows that's ever existed.  Maybe if they had another 400 days it'd be really good like the movie?  It might not be as bad as Walker Texas Ranger, (it might be) but it's definitely more annoying than it.

Korean Rodeo

Today was awesome.

First, i found 80$ in a coat pocket.   That is a huge score!  i don't think i've ever found more than $20 in an item of clothing before.

Then, i looked at my calendar and remembered that in a week i'll be in Texas with some of my old friends from Korea. Cass, Andrew, Cortney and i will be living it up in Austin.  i suspect adorable music venues, soju, noraebong, bbq (both ways) and lots of cowboy boots.  i was also informed today that Cass's little brother will be coming up too - his visit to Korea missed my departure by like a day so it will be nice to finally meet this tall trouble maker.  Last time i visited Cortney in Texas we went to a rodeo and saw a monkey cowboy riding a sheepdog, i two-stepped with a cowboy on my birthday, i touched a lot of animals, and i learned all about biscuits and honey and creamed corn.   i am so excited!!  i'm also excited that i can work from their house (no need to use pto) and i bought the ticket long enough ago that i had forgotten!    

Surprise, myself!  i'm going to texas. giddy up.