So I did it. I went to Austin, I lived, I survived, some might say I thrived while I was there. "some" being me. but from an outside perspective I can imagine my thriving could have looked a little more like falling down drunk. Just that one time when I missed a step. and then in the house. Anyway, we had a great time. we conquered rainy street. at the house I just slipped and the next day I had the bruises and cuts to prove it. I infact still do. my mom said she's never seen a bruise so big in her life. she was very concerned for me until I told her I may have had a few too many drinks before falling.. sympathy went out the door. it was my fault. no fun. anyway, i'm at this old lady's house now for the holiday. she wanted to watch the 700 club but turned me on to gator boys instead. I spent hours watching people wrestle gators. it is Christmas. this seemed like the ok thing to do. there were cards and fried dough and cards and milkshakes mixed in but it was a pretty serious string of gatoreducation. I almost want to move to the south now. to be near the good ol' boys. it would be nice. it's weird because usually this Ambien makes me hallucinate or get groggy before I fall asleep but today its just encouraging me to type more about gators. and bruises. the shit that really matters. good night America.
if you can.
**serious update: I am pretending to be a kid and staying at my parents for the week. yay! my brother and his wife& baby are here as of like 15 minutes ago so we should have a fun next few days of playing baby games and board games and hugging and being family. also, I hear beta and the browns will join us on sunday which will mean so many friends being so happy in one house and I am so excited! also, wh can see my apt and know that it is real. also, I do not want to do any work tomorrow or Friday. I want to be on vacation. I am scared of the post Christmas rage people take out on everyone.
and I want to see the marry poppins movie.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
The Miracle of Plane Flight.
There's this bit by lewey that I really like. He talks about how miserable everyone is in spite of the amazing things that have happened with technology and life etc. I'm on a plane right now IMing someone. for fun. and blogging. Little things like this are still completely crazy and amazing to me. Maybe because i'm an old lady at heart? Or because I traveled for a living and have more patience for it than some? Maybe because i was a little bit removed from things? Oh... i think i got it. I bet just hating life in general puts me in a unique position where i can easily love and appreciate the small things. Most people do it the other way, right? love life and bitch about all the details? I don't like that. Anyway, I AM WRITING THIS FROM A PLANE. it's a miracle! (an old miracle that i am finally getting to appreciate)
On my last flight, I sat in a row by myself! I was so stoked. Then i realized that no one sat near me because i picked the row next to the baby. oops. Her older brother really wanted attention...or maybe he wanted to drown the crying out but he sang the 'batman smells' version of jingle bells for about half the flight. I thought it was really cute and funny. I also liked that his mom never yelled at him. I think i would have told my kid to be quiet to be considerate of the ppl around. I think she was right though. I guess when you have had 6 kids, you get really good at knowing what to and what not to care about. The teacher/aunt in me really wanted to play a game with the kid. It could have been nice. I wish befriending children wasn't creepy? Ok so anyway, if you haven't seen the LCK thing, watch it.
http://www.thatvideosite.com/v/94
On my last flight, I sat in a row by myself! I was so stoked. Then i realized that no one sat near me because i picked the row next to the baby. oops. Her older brother really wanted attention...or maybe he wanted to drown the crying out but he sang the 'batman smells' version of jingle bells for about half the flight. I thought it was really cute and funny. I also liked that his mom never yelled at him. I think i would have told my kid to be quiet to be considerate of the ppl around. I think she was right though. I guess when you have had 6 kids, you get really good at knowing what to and what not to care about. The teacher/aunt in me really wanted to play a game with the kid. It could have been nice. I wish befriending children wasn't creepy? Ok so anyway, if you haven't seen the LCK thing, watch it.
http://www.thatvideosite.com/v/94
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Wake Up Calls
I am so tired. Last night was the first night I tried sleeping without stilnox or copious amounts of booze in months. Months? Ok. Years. There was that two month phase when my supply from my Korean doctor had run out and I didn't have health insurance but I was unemployed and sleeping through the afternoons. So it didn't really matter much that I wasn't falling asleep til the early morning. Anyway, I went to get my prescription yesterday and it wasn't ready. Glitch in the system. Everyone was told the wrong day/time and meds were in high demand. I didn't have the time to wait around since I was on lunch and I finished working after the pharmacy was closed so I tried taking melatonin and drinking brandy but it didn't help. I was wide awake still at 4am and getting really nervous about whether or not i'd wake up for work. I was so nervous about it, that when I did fall asleep around 5, I kept having dreams that would wake me up every 5 or so minutes. I dreamt I was being attacked by bed bugs. I dreamt I was sleeping in a high rise apartment and my Asian neighbor kept playing the violin on her rooftop and waking up the neighborhood. This happened over and over again until one of the neighbors pulled a gun on her and she ran inside. Then I dreamt I was sleeping outside in a parking lot, under a tarp, and kept waking up because people were either tripping over me or because I was scared someone was going to try and harm me. I hear taking sleep meds will give you bad dreams but apparently not taking them will really do the trick. I just need a nap. A really good, long nap. If only I could nap...
*Update. While working later this day, I heard my upstairs neighbor playing the violin. I'm not really sure if it was in my dream because i've heard it before (without really being aware of it) or because i am in fact a prophet but it's certainly one of those two.
*Update. While working later this day, I heard my upstairs neighbor playing the violin. I'm not really sure if it was in my dream because i've heard it before (without really being aware of it) or because i am in fact a prophet but it's certainly one of those two.
Monday, December 9, 2013
Sorry #NotSorry
I was playing cards with my parents the other day and having tons of fun. What is wrong with me. That's all I kept thinking as I was enjoying it. Then I thought about it for days and days cause...well, that's what I do.
I'm pretty sure it has something to do with being really authentic around them. And/or knowing that when I say terrible or stupid things they will still like me after. I mean, my dad said he was going to disown me at one point during the day, but I reminded him that he already tried to do that when I was 18 and came home with a lip ring. Obviously, as my "favorite child" Christmas ornament* indicates - it didn't work.
So we played several games but ended with pinochle. It's typically a couple's game but there is a 3 player version with a kitty. We grew up playing Pinochle. I usually win against them but mostly because I have enough faith to make run-like bids banking on the hope that I'll actually make a run with the kitty. It's really foolish but being the prophet that I am, I can usually sense when my cards are there. jk. But the curiosity of the kitty KILLS me and while my mom will tell me if the one card I was looking for is in there, my dad will not. So if I'm ever REALLY losing, I will just out-bid him every time just to know the cards. Really, only a parent could love me.
So playing my mom says: "You know growing up, my sister used to bring her boyfriends over to play cards with Charlie and my Mom. You should bring someone over so we can play partners."
Me: "But Charlie and Grandma were fun"
My dad got offended and my mom laughed hysterically. Typical tom and alexis reactions.
*I'm not really their favorite. I think they just feel a sense of purpose when I'm around because I still need my mom to fix the washing machine when I break it and call my dad to ask about car things. I'm also the only one that doesn't have a spouse or kids who need my attention more than them. They're still my only family. Honestly, as much as I want to move, when I think about not living near them, it makes me pretty sad. These last two years home have been really good for us. And no one encourages my mom to buy a puppy against my dad's wishes like I do. Oh yeah! That was when he threatened to disown me. When I talked about the cute puppy and kitten they'd be getting in their Christmas stockings.
When my mom retires, puppy gifts are fair game. Right?
I'm pretty sure it has something to do with being really authentic around them. And/or knowing that when I say terrible or stupid things they will still like me after. I mean, my dad said he was going to disown me at one point during the day, but I reminded him that he already tried to do that when I was 18 and came home with a lip ring. Obviously, as my "favorite child" Christmas ornament* indicates - it didn't work.
So we played several games but ended with pinochle. It's typically a couple's game but there is a 3 player version with a kitty. We grew up playing Pinochle. I usually win against them but mostly because I have enough faith to make run-like bids banking on the hope that I'll actually make a run with the kitty. It's really foolish but being the prophet that I am, I can usually sense when my cards are there. jk. But the curiosity of the kitty KILLS me and while my mom will tell me if the one card I was looking for is in there, my dad will not. So if I'm ever REALLY losing, I will just out-bid him every time just to know the cards. Really, only a parent could love me.
So playing my mom says: "You know growing up, my sister used to bring her boyfriends over to play cards with Charlie and my Mom. You should bring someone over so we can play partners."
Me: "But Charlie and Grandma were fun"
My dad got offended and my mom laughed hysterically. Typical tom and alexis reactions.
*I'm not really their favorite. I think they just feel a sense of purpose when I'm around because I still need my mom to fix the washing machine when I break it and call my dad to ask about car things. I'm also the only one that doesn't have a spouse or kids who need my attention more than them. They're still my only family. Honestly, as much as I want to move, when I think about not living near them, it makes me pretty sad. These last two years home have been really good for us. And no one encourages my mom to buy a puppy against my dad's wishes like I do. Oh yeah! That was when he threatened to disown me. When I talked about the cute puppy and kitten they'd be getting in their Christmas stockings.
When my mom retires, puppy gifts are fair game. Right?
Saturday, December 7, 2013
100 days of shut up
I have a really high tolerance for tv drama. Incredibly high. Higher than most teenagers.
100 days of summer, is one of the worst tv shows that's ever existed. Maybe if they had another 400 days it'd be really good like the movie? It might not be as bad as Walker Texas Ranger, (it might be) but it's definitely more annoying than it.
100 days of summer, is one of the worst tv shows that's ever existed. Maybe if they had another 400 days it'd be really good like the movie? It might not be as bad as Walker Texas Ranger, (it might be) but it's definitely more annoying than it.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Korean Rodeo
Today was awesome.
First, i found 80$ in a coat pocket. That is a huge score! i don't think i've ever found more than $20 in an item of clothing before.
Then, i looked at my calendar and remembered that in a week i'll be in Texas with some of my old friends from Korea. Cass, Andrew, Cortney and i will be living it up in Austin. i suspect adorable music venues, soju, noraebong, bbq (both ways) and lots of cowboy boots. i was also informed today that Cass's little brother will be coming up too - his visit to Korea missed my departure by like a day so it will be nice to finally meet this tall trouble maker. Last time i visited Cortney in Texas we went to a rodeo and saw a monkey cowboy riding a sheepdog, i two-stepped with a cowboy on my birthday, i touched a lot of animals, and i learned all about biscuits and honey and creamed corn. i am so excited!! i'm also excited that i can work from their house (no need to use pto) and i bought the ticket long enough ago that i had forgotten!
Surprise, myself! i'm going to texas. giddy up.
First, i found 80$ in a coat pocket. That is a huge score! i don't think i've ever found more than $20 in an item of clothing before.
Then, i looked at my calendar and remembered that in a week i'll be in Texas with some of my old friends from Korea. Cass, Andrew, Cortney and i will be living it up in Austin. i suspect adorable music venues, soju, noraebong, bbq (both ways) and lots of cowboy boots. i was also informed today that Cass's little brother will be coming up too - his visit to Korea missed my departure by like a day so it will be nice to finally meet this tall trouble maker. Last time i visited Cortney in Texas we went to a rodeo and saw a monkey cowboy riding a sheepdog, i two-stepped with a cowboy on my birthday, i touched a lot of animals, and i learned all about biscuits and honey and creamed corn. i am so excited!! i'm also excited that i can work from their house (no need to use pto) and i bought the ticket long enough ago that i had forgotten!
Surprise, myself! i'm going to texas. giddy up.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Physical Challenge
So tonight I hung out with a boy who has been asking me out for about three weeks. I've told him several times that I like someone else and don't have an interest in dating and he's said that's fine but he's kept asking. I talked to the boys in the IM about it today and it went something like...
back story back story back story...
boys: "well, boys who want to be "just friends" don't ask someone to hang out a million times so he probably just views you saying you like someone else as a challenge to get over or to make him like you"
me: "I know, I kind of agree, but I've said it sooo many times. I can't say it more or in any other way without being really mean"
boys: "so if you don't want to actually go out with him, you probably shouldn't go"
me:" I know....but I just want friends... *crying face icon*"
boys: "*sad face*"
me: "it's so hard to be a girl and not be a bitch. If I was (insert bitchy girl) I would have gone out with him a million times already and made him buy me food and drinks. But I seriously just want to hang out"
So.. in spite of agreeing with them, I went out....I really wanted to go out. I also had told him I wasn't coming out and he said some guilt provoking thing about me not ditching him. And honestly, it might have been my own weird sense of guilt and not anything implied, but it flipped my decision from staying in to going. But I did really want to hang out tonight and I don't know that many people in town. I quantified our hanging out as just hanging out (which probably made me seem like more of a jerk), I met instead of accepting a ride, and I paid instead of being paid for. I also apologized for quantifying the hang out as not a date and explained that i'm weird and just good at liking someone (else). I probably did all of the worst things. but to my point. It is seriously hard to be a girl, not want to date someone, and want to hang out with them.
Anyway, we went to a trivia night. The trivia night ended after two rounds WITH A PHYSICAL CHALLENGE. Super exciting. I guess it changes each week - today was flipping a "flip cup" 360 onto/from a ping pong paddle. Regardless. I felt really torn about it. much like the entire event. I was super excited that physical challenges are being kept alive. Yay Double Dare! And Also felt like had I been #1 in trivia question points, and lost to a physical challenge, the whole thing would have been a cheat. #LifeIsHard
back story back story back story...
boys: "well, boys who want to be "just friends" don't ask someone to hang out a million times so he probably just views you saying you like someone else as a challenge to get over or to make him like you"
me: "I know, I kind of agree, but I've said it sooo many times. I can't say it more or in any other way without being really mean"
boys: "so if you don't want to actually go out with him, you probably shouldn't go"
me:" I know....but I just want friends... *crying face icon*"
boys: "*sad face*"
me: "it's so hard to be a girl and not be a bitch. If I was (insert bitchy girl) I would have gone out with him a million times already and made him buy me food and drinks. But I seriously just want to hang out"
So.. in spite of agreeing with them, I went out....I really wanted to go out. I also had told him I wasn't coming out and he said some guilt provoking thing about me not ditching him. And honestly, it might have been my own weird sense of guilt and not anything implied, but it flipped my decision from staying in to going. But I did really want to hang out tonight and I don't know that many people in town. I quantified our hanging out as just hanging out (which probably made me seem like more of a jerk), I met instead of accepting a ride, and I paid instead of being paid for. I also apologized for quantifying the hang out as not a date and explained that i'm weird and just good at liking someone (else). I probably did all of the worst things. but to my point. It is seriously hard to be a girl, not want to date someone, and want to hang out with them.
Anyway, we went to a trivia night. The trivia night ended after two rounds WITH A PHYSICAL CHALLENGE. Super exciting. I guess it changes each week - today was flipping a "flip cup" 360 onto/from a ping pong paddle. Regardless. I felt really torn about it. much like the entire event. I was super excited that physical challenges are being kept alive. Yay Double Dare! And Also felt like had I been #1 in trivia question points, and lost to a physical challenge, the whole thing would have been a cheat. #LifeIsHard
Monday, December 2, 2013
Snapping isn't only for coffee shops.
I have this anxiety issue. It's kind of new. It might be getting worse. My dad died and then came back to life in March 2012, remember? Well, I was on edge with him for sooo long. Then last winter three of my grandparents died within a few weeks/months of each other and after that I started getting really nervous something terrible was going to happen all the time. It's mostly bad at work. Probably because that's all I do. But, when asking for advice, a friend told me to try the ol' rubber band around your wrist trick. It's been 1.5 days and it works about 89% of the time. Just thought I'd throw this out there in case you can't help but thinking about things you don't want to. you too, can snap it out.
Looking for checks to pay the rent, i love you mom and dad.
I found this hilarious letter from my father today when looking through my storage. It was sent to me in 2008. Basically, to give you a little history, I had graduated from college (my second go-at-it), had been working at a bank and decided I couldn't keep living in philly and being poor. student loans were about to start happening and money stress was too much - I decided to move back to their house to live free and look for a "real job". So my mom was totally excited about it and a few weeks later my dad sent me this letter which was a really serious attempt (and one of one) of him trying to reach out and parent me. (up until that point. I want to give a lot of credit to him for taking me in post-korea and dealing with me for a year) but this letter. omg. ok so at the point when I received this letter two of my three brothers were married and the other way either engaged to his current wife or seriously dating her. not sure, exactly. but this letter is several pages so in all honesty you are just getting a cut out of it. but it's just so funny.
"So the first big question is now that you are graduated and you are not married. is....well lets back up and rewind. I need to dial in to that marriage thing.
Do you want to get married or not? Not now but you plan to marry? It is a commitment to plan to marry as much as marriage itself is a commitment. So it is a valid question because courting/ or Christian dating/ or finding the right life-partner is a step to marriage and it is a plan you do, and not a happen-chance. So now that that is out of the way, do you plan to marry or not?"
an except of a letter from my father. to me. regarding planning a career, at age 26. I mean, I think it's pretty obvious why i'm single. and seriously... ok.. so the next paragraph honestly starts with "if the answer is yes, then I will move forward differently. or maybe not"
ugh. ok. So my dad worked and my mom was a house wife and that was my reality. my brothers have pretty much married in to the same thing. Honestly, I have no desire to be successful at life outside of being a wife but in the mean time i'm pretty serious about my job always and I've never had one that I wasn't promoted and adored in. That being said, i'm pretty f'ing terrible at picking dudes. and i'm not sure I ever want to have babies. but. whatever. this letter still infuriates me. even though it's what I want...the idea that that is 'how things work' is just so ignorant in my opinion. in the same way that feminists tell me i'm an idiot for wanting to just be a wife...umm..i'm pretty sure we fought for freedom...not the responsibility to work...in which case, being a stay at home wife should still be ok. but anyway. i'm just making enemies at this point. so.
my point? I can't remember. I've had several drinks tonight. but I think the point...oh I remember. my dad ended this letter with questions to me... for me to answer to help me figure out my life. re-reading his letter today was amazing/frustrating ..but. me re-reading my answers to his questions were also amazing. in case anyone reading this doesn't know what passive aggressive is... see below:
What did you do well in school (math, reading, writing?): "I don't think I did anything particularly well in school. That is not low self esteem or false modesty - it is to say that I learned that many students outside of the small world I was exposed to are as good or better at things than I am. I learned that i'm not sure that I care enough to try harder at such things."
If you could do anything you wanted and money, education and time was no object, what career would you choose? If money, education and time were no object then i'd travel the US and then Canada. Afterward, I would travel Europe and then South America alone and then write about it all. *My second choice is unemployment <---- (LOL! I wrote that!) *My third is actress tied with lawyer.
lol.
Write down three things you are good at doing:
- Being a girlfriend - making people I like feel loved and important
-Throwing dinner parties
-Criticizing people
Maybe if I wrote the whole letter from my dad people could get behind my answers but that's ok. I don't need that. I answered honestly. I still stand by my answers. I'm not sure I really "played along" but I answered honestly. And for as much as I appreciated the attempt to reach out.. maybe lets just have a conversation? ok. seriously. I have to include another part of this letter so you can get this a little better. here's another paragraph and then i'm done:
"Mom and dad will travel to Phila for a full weekend of spending time with their bio daughter (SIDE NOTE - there are no non-biological kids in my family. it's weird) and talk about ideas for careers, how to get one, how to succeed at one and I am sure we will learn about sarah and we will grow in the process. Maybe one thing we will say will help you, but I am willing to dedicate my time and miles and talking and (even getting my feeling hurt [which may happen] once in a while to lay it all on the line) to help you with just one thing. It seems like the fatherly thing to do as well as feels like the loving thing to do. (I hope this makes sense to you)."
nope. no, it doesn't. It makes sense that you would do these things. Not sure why "getting your feeling hurt = laying it all on the line"??? but it doesn't make sense that you would tell me these things and then not do them.. which is actually what happened. and it really doesn't make sense to tell your kids how you are doing things for them to show them love to make them try and appreciate it more. cause that just seems manipulative right? maybe just do loving things? and eat it... cause that's what parenting is i'm pretty sure. just a life of constantly giving and never being shown the love or appreciation you deserve for giving up so much of yourself. that's parenting. and that's why some of us don't do it. but if you do - whether intentionally or accidentally...you don't get to throw it in people's faces. and at the end of the day. no matter what we kids say or do. we love you for it. and we do appreciate it all. even when it's weird.
"So the first big question is now that you are graduated and you are not married. is....well lets back up and rewind. I need to dial in to that marriage thing.
Do you want to get married or not? Not now but you plan to marry? It is a commitment to plan to marry as much as marriage itself is a commitment. So it is a valid question because courting/ or Christian dating/ or finding the right life-partner is a step to marriage and it is a plan you do, and not a happen-chance. So now that that is out of the way, do you plan to marry or not?"
an except of a letter from my father. to me. regarding planning a career, at age 26. I mean, I think it's pretty obvious why i'm single. and seriously... ok.. so the next paragraph honestly starts with "if the answer is yes, then I will move forward differently. or maybe not"
ugh. ok. So my dad worked and my mom was a house wife and that was my reality. my brothers have pretty much married in to the same thing. Honestly, I have no desire to be successful at life outside of being a wife but in the mean time i'm pretty serious about my job always and I've never had one that I wasn't promoted and adored in. That being said, i'm pretty f'ing terrible at picking dudes. and i'm not sure I ever want to have babies. but. whatever. this letter still infuriates me. even though it's what I want...the idea that that is 'how things work' is just so ignorant in my opinion. in the same way that feminists tell me i'm an idiot for wanting to just be a wife...umm..i'm pretty sure we fought for freedom...not the responsibility to work...in which case, being a stay at home wife should still be ok. but anyway. i'm just making enemies at this point. so.
my point? I can't remember. I've had several drinks tonight. but I think the point...oh I remember. my dad ended this letter with questions to me... for me to answer to help me figure out my life. re-reading his letter today was amazing/frustrating ..but. me re-reading my answers to his questions were also amazing. in case anyone reading this doesn't know what passive aggressive is... see below:
What did you do well in school (math, reading, writing?): "I don't think I did anything particularly well in school. That is not low self esteem or false modesty - it is to say that I learned that many students outside of the small world I was exposed to are as good or better at things than I am. I learned that i'm not sure that I care enough to try harder at such things."
If you could do anything you wanted and money, education and time was no object, what career would you choose? If money, education and time were no object then i'd travel the US and then Canada. Afterward, I would travel Europe and then South America alone and then write about it all. *My second choice is unemployment <---- (LOL! I wrote that!) *My third is actress tied with lawyer.
lol.
Write down three things you are good at doing:
- Being a girlfriend - making people I like feel loved and important
-Throwing dinner parties
-Criticizing people
Maybe if I wrote the whole letter from my dad people could get behind my answers but that's ok. I don't need that. I answered honestly. I still stand by my answers. I'm not sure I really "played along" but I answered honestly. And for as much as I appreciated the attempt to reach out.. maybe lets just have a conversation? ok. seriously. I have to include another part of this letter so you can get this a little better. here's another paragraph and then i'm done:
"Mom and dad will travel to Phila for a full weekend of spending time with their bio daughter (SIDE NOTE - there are no non-biological kids in my family. it's weird) and talk about ideas for careers, how to get one, how to succeed at one and I am sure we will learn about sarah and we will grow in the process. Maybe one thing we will say will help you, but I am willing to dedicate my time and miles and talking and (even getting my feeling hurt [which may happen] once in a while to lay it all on the line) to help you with just one thing. It seems like the fatherly thing to do as well as feels like the loving thing to do. (I hope this makes sense to you)."
nope. no, it doesn't. It makes sense that you would do these things. Not sure why "getting your feeling hurt = laying it all on the line"??? but it doesn't make sense that you would tell me these things and then not do them.. which is actually what happened. and it really doesn't make sense to tell your kids how you are doing things for them to show them love to make them try and appreciate it more. cause that just seems manipulative right? maybe just do loving things? and eat it... cause that's what parenting is i'm pretty sure. just a life of constantly giving and never being shown the love or appreciation you deserve for giving up so much of yourself. that's parenting. and that's why some of us don't do it. but if you do - whether intentionally or accidentally...you don't get to throw it in people's faces. and at the end of the day. no matter what we kids say or do. we love you for it. and we do appreciate it all. even when it's weird.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Do you get it!?
Having honest conversations about your life is so wonderful and helpful and gut wrenching all at the same time. I constantly over-analyze everything. It must be so exhausting to be my friend. I can't possibly tell you a truth about myself without conditioning it with all of the completely self aware thoughts surrounding that truth. A friend of mind posted a link to an article of an advice columnist the other day on Facebook. She pointed out a specific paragraph that described herself. Another in that article described me:
"...I have a very deep, intractable need to be understood and appreciated for exactly who I am. This nugget of high expectations exists at the center of my psyche. Now, sure, everyone wants to be understood and appreciated. But exactly how much energy will most people expend in order to be understood and appreciated by people who either don't have the time or don't have any concrete reason to express such things? Personally speaking, I will work tirelessly to be understood. I will explain and re-explain. And at some level, I am absolutely certain that, with enough explaining, I will be understood and embraced—at long last!"
One Christmas morning, I was probably 25 or so, my brother and my roommate presented me with a Christmas present. It was big fluffy pink bunny slippers, with the price tag on. My brother smiled at me so proudly. I immediately started crying and asked if they were kidding. I was so upset. I couldn't believe that he - who had grown up with me forever, and my best friend of years had given me such a stupid present. And it wasn't that it was stupid in and of itself - it was that they thought I would like it. I felt like they didn't know me at all and I felt so betrayed. Then they handed me a little box and said "oh yeah this too". They had bought me an ipod. And it was engraved. It was a present that I didn't even know I wanted and hadn't asked for but immediately felt like it was the one thing I had wanted. I cried even more. I felt bad at having been mad at them for the slippers, and I felt more loved that I knew what to do with.
There are moments when i'm crying, probably looking spoiled. and moments when I seem like i'm arguing just to be argumentative but there is so much truth to the intrinsic need that I feel to be understood. So much so, that if I feel betrayed by someone, I question that I was ever understood or loved by them to begin with.... I was going to write something like "i'm sure that's a totally selfish way of thinking/living" but then realized that'd be speaking to my earlier point that I need to explain that I already understand the stupid aspects of myself. ugh. being me is exhausting.
"...I have a very deep, intractable need to be understood and appreciated for exactly who I am. This nugget of high expectations exists at the center of my psyche. Now, sure, everyone wants to be understood and appreciated. But exactly how much energy will most people expend in order to be understood and appreciated by people who either don't have the time or don't have any concrete reason to express such things? Personally speaking, I will work tirelessly to be understood. I will explain and re-explain. And at some level, I am absolutely certain that, with enough explaining, I will be understood and embraced—at long last!"
One Christmas morning, I was probably 25 or so, my brother and my roommate presented me with a Christmas present. It was big fluffy pink bunny slippers, with the price tag on. My brother smiled at me so proudly. I immediately started crying and asked if they were kidding. I was so upset. I couldn't believe that he - who had grown up with me forever, and my best friend of years had given me such a stupid present. And it wasn't that it was stupid in and of itself - it was that they thought I would like it. I felt like they didn't know me at all and I felt so betrayed. Then they handed me a little box and said "oh yeah this too". They had bought me an ipod. And it was engraved. It was a present that I didn't even know I wanted and hadn't asked for but immediately felt like it was the one thing I had wanted. I cried even more. I felt bad at having been mad at them for the slippers, and I felt more loved that I knew what to do with.
There are moments when i'm crying, probably looking spoiled. and moments when I seem like i'm arguing just to be argumentative but there is so much truth to the intrinsic need that I feel to be understood. So much so, that if I feel betrayed by someone, I question that I was ever understood or loved by them to begin with.... I was going to write something like "i'm sure that's a totally selfish way of thinking/living" but then realized that'd be speaking to my earlier point that I need to explain that I already understand the stupid aspects of myself. ugh. being me is exhausting.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Everyone's (got) a problem
Happy Thanksgiving!!
Today sucks. I woke up with a flat tire and strep throat. It hurts to be awake, let alone trying to tackle eating things (my thanksgiving: water and a banana). The combination of both prevented me from joining my family 6 hours away. It just didn't seem right to drive 6+ hrs with a fever, arriving hours late, missing dinner completely, and getting several other people sick. I feel like my sister-in-laws who stay-at-home with their tiny ones would be so mad. And then I'd be sick working tomorrow with an angry client on the phone and two little girls who want to play knocking at the door. And I really want to play with those little girls. I should have taken the end of the week off and I should have kept drinking hot toddies each night this week. You can't get sick when the whiskey's disinfecting your throat daily, right?
Everyone keeps posting "You're part of the problem!" posts on their blogs and their facebook about people shopping today. It's so weird to me. I don't really know what they're trying to accomplish, first of all. Do they think enough people will feel guilty, that Thanksgiving shopping will be unsuccessful and never happen again? I don't understand why people are so upset and concerned with other people's traditions. I mean, yes, I do feel bad for people having to work on a holiday...that being said...in my former experience as a manager, there were always people who wanted to work. People who needed or wanted the extra money, ignored holidays, or didn't in fact have families to spend their holidays with. I also really like going to the movies every Christmas so I have no right taking up the not-working-on-holidays campaign. Also, when I was a flight attendant and feeling so alone on thanksgiving in my hotel, I was really grateful for the open Denny's across the street so that I at least wasn't physically alone. Anyway, shopping, back to shopping. Do I think saying you're thankful for things in your life and then immediately going shopping for meaningless crap is weird? Yes. But do I think saying you're thankful for your family and then moving to the tv set and ignoring those same people to watch football etc is weird too? Yes. But we can't force everyone to love their family and play charades every fourth Thursday in Nov, guys. Everyone does weird things! All the time! Who cares? Isn't the whole point of being American/grown up that we get to do whatever we want?
I was raised to be really America about my opinions. Always right for everyone. The more I meet people that way and people who aren't, the more I know I don't want to be America. I want to be Canada, you know? Whatever, eh.
Today sucks. I woke up with a flat tire and strep throat. It hurts to be awake, let alone trying to tackle eating things (my thanksgiving: water and a banana). The combination of both prevented me from joining my family 6 hours away. It just didn't seem right to drive 6+ hrs with a fever, arriving hours late, missing dinner completely, and getting several other people sick. I feel like my sister-in-laws who stay-at-home with their tiny ones would be so mad. And then I'd be sick working tomorrow with an angry client on the phone and two little girls who want to play knocking at the door. And I really want to play with those little girls. I should have taken the end of the week off and I should have kept drinking hot toddies each night this week. You can't get sick when the whiskey's disinfecting your throat daily, right?
Everyone keeps posting "You're part of the problem!" posts on their blogs and their facebook about people shopping today. It's so weird to me. I don't really know what they're trying to accomplish, first of all. Do they think enough people will feel guilty, that Thanksgiving shopping will be unsuccessful and never happen again? I don't understand why people are so upset and concerned with other people's traditions. I mean, yes, I do feel bad for people having to work on a holiday...that being said...in my former experience as a manager, there were always people who wanted to work. People who needed or wanted the extra money, ignored holidays, or didn't in fact have families to spend their holidays with. I also really like going to the movies every Christmas so I have no right taking up the not-working-on-holidays campaign. Also, when I was a flight attendant and feeling so alone on thanksgiving in my hotel, I was really grateful for the open Denny's across the street so that I at least wasn't physically alone. Anyway, shopping, back to shopping. Do I think saying you're thankful for things in your life and then immediately going shopping for meaningless crap is weird? Yes. But do I think saying you're thankful for your family and then moving to the tv set and ignoring those same people to watch football etc is weird too? Yes. But we can't force everyone to love their family and play charades every fourth Thursday in Nov, guys. Everyone does weird things! All the time! Who cares? Isn't the whole point of being American/grown up that we get to do whatever we want?
I was raised to be really America about my opinions. Always right for everyone. The more I meet people that way and people who aren't, the more I know I don't want to be America. I want to be Canada, you know? Whatever, eh.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Give an Inch
I try to set strict visitation rules with my parents. Out of the country, they don't email me for months. My dad, literally emailed me twice in 13 months. Once was to tell me my W-2's came in. The second email was to tell me I should send him my resume so he could look it over before I came home. Living in the same city, however, my dad wants me over for bbqs and football every Sunday and my mom would stop over my apt. everyday if she could. No stop-overs allowed.
Lately my mom's been kind of bummed, so I spent some good weekend time with her doing whatever she wanted without complaining. A rare treat for her. Then she emailed me Monday AM and I felt like I should reply instead of just reading it. Then she texted me three times on her lunch break, called me to see how I was, and texted me later that day to see if I wanted to go to a play with her. The next day, she emailed me in the morning to tell me I was wonderful. I responded 'all my goodness comes from you!'...To which she responded 'Glory to God for all things - all of our goodness and mercy is from Him'. *ugghh* To which I told her, "Accepting a compliment isn't a sin, mom, I promise". She texted me after work to ask about my day and the next morning. In addition, she sent two emails the following morning. She's called me two times this week and left messages saying she just wanted to hear my voice. I love my mom. A lot. But this kind of clinging makes me sooooooooo uncomfortable. Even if it's coming from my mom.
If any of my brothers are reading this, can you please call your mother!?
Ok and in full disclosure, I looked into my emails from my dad to check my facts. Three more, 1 on my birthday of simply the birthday song lyrics (thank you for remembering), 1 of a picture of the birthday present that I had sent to him (thoughtful), and 1 wishing me a happy fathers day explaining that I too have an "eternal father". hm.
So, have boundaries.
And my family isn't very good at middle ground.
Lately my mom's been kind of bummed, so I spent some good weekend time with her doing whatever she wanted without complaining. A rare treat for her. Then she emailed me Monday AM and I felt like I should reply instead of just reading it. Then she texted me three times on her lunch break, called me to see how I was, and texted me later that day to see if I wanted to go to a play with her. The next day, she emailed me in the morning to tell me I was wonderful. I responded 'all my goodness comes from you!'...To which she responded 'Glory to God for all things - all of our goodness and mercy is from Him'. *ugghh* To which I told her, "Accepting a compliment isn't a sin, mom, I promise". She texted me after work to ask about my day and the next morning. In addition, she sent two emails the following morning. She's called me two times this week and left messages saying she just wanted to hear my voice. I love my mom. A lot. But this kind of clinging makes me sooooooooo uncomfortable. Even if it's coming from my mom.
If any of my brothers are reading this, can you please call your mother!?
Ok and in full disclosure, I looked into my emails from my dad to check my facts. Three more, 1 on my birthday of simply the birthday song lyrics (thank you for remembering), 1 of a picture of the birthday present that I had sent to him (thoughtful), and 1 wishing me a happy fathers day explaining that I too have an "eternal father". hm.
So, have boundaries.
And my family isn't very good at middle ground.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Working it Out
It's weird how every job I have shapes me in a new way. I mean, it's probably not weird at all, but I'm very aware of it. There are very specific traits I have and habits/qualities I value because of certain past job experiences. I think it's why I'm never satisfied doing one thing for very long, or staying in one place forever. When I was younger, someone put it in my head that being the same as an adult as you were when you were a kid is a failure. I haven't stopped looking for change ever since.
So anyway, my current job is pretty much the same as my old one but less busy. I'm at home with more down time and way less stress. I also work different hours than most of my coworkers which forces me to test the site and research to get answers rather than asking for them. It's so unlike me. Previously, I thought it was an inefficient use of my time to try and figure things out when I could just ask someone and get the info. I still think that. Other people may see it as lazy, my brain sees it as smart. The differences in people. Oh the differences. But, having the time to spend on experimenting and learning is teaching me to appreciate it more... and it's definitely shifting my thinking. Maybe someday I'll want to read an instruction manual.
probably not
Also in my downtime, I've been reading through some old journals. They make me both really happy and sad at the same time. I miss things, people, the way things were etc. Even in times when everything was shit though, there are these excerpts about a conversation with a friend, or looking across a skyline that was more beautiful than anything I'd seen before. Stories of singing karaoke in a smoky room all night, losing the time over Skype til birds started chirping, getting a surprise and thoughtful package, or playing a (stupid) prank that everyone kept going. Over the years of sporadic entries, there's always a few excerpts that take me back to those moments and remind me how good things can be. Even in a mess of shit, one moment can make everything seem ok.
Also, when I die, my journals should be burned. not tossed around the room like magazines to read like my grandparents' were. I want to take my secrets with me.
So anyway, my current job is pretty much the same as my old one but less busy. I'm at home with more down time and way less stress. I also work different hours than most of my coworkers which forces me to test the site and research to get answers rather than asking for them. It's so unlike me. Previously, I thought it was an inefficient use of my time to try and figure things out when I could just ask someone and get the info. I still think that. Other people may see it as lazy, my brain sees it as smart. The differences in people. Oh the differences. But, having the time to spend on experimenting and learning is teaching me to appreciate it more... and it's definitely shifting my thinking. Maybe someday I'll want to read an instruction manual.
probably not
Also in my downtime, I've been reading through some old journals. They make me both really happy and sad at the same time. I miss things, people, the way things were etc. Even in times when everything was shit though, there are these excerpts about a conversation with a friend, or looking across a skyline that was more beautiful than anything I'd seen before. Stories of singing karaoke in a smoky room all night, losing the time over Skype til birds started chirping, getting a surprise and thoughtful package, or playing a (stupid) prank that everyone kept going. Over the years of sporadic entries, there's always a few excerpts that take me back to those moments and remind me how good things can be. Even in a mess of shit, one moment can make everything seem ok.
Also, when I die, my journals should be burned. not tossed around the room like magazines to read like my grandparents' were. I want to take my secrets with me.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Just some ideas, radio
1. It makes me kind of sad when the news is asking for donations while talking about the death toll in another country and then feels the need to say, "and X amount of Americans have died too so please give" as if that's actually the reason we need to care about it. Sad because I think it is actually a motivator for some people? yuck
2. The song "Let Her Go" is great, I really enjoy it. Thanks for it. But. Maybe don't talk about the tragedy in the Philippians and then immediately play it?
Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow ...
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home ...
Off.
2. The song "Let Her Go" is great, I really enjoy it. Thanks for it. But. Maybe don't talk about the tragedy in the Philippians and then immediately play it?
Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow ...
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home ...
Off.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Freedom
I have this new job that lets me work from anywhere... which means I'm no longer tied to Rochester, NY.... Hallelujah! So, my biggest problem in life right now is not knowing where to move to. #KnockOnWood? #Don'tWorryI'mStillMiserable. Anyway, Last week I went to Denver to work from a friends' and to visit her and her husband. Both the trip and the city are pretty amazing. We met a good number of people who think they know everything but more than that, everyone was so friendly - and people kept saying, "Welcome to Denver!" (which is a phrase no one has ever uttered w/ western NY city substitute. ever). Now that I have this new job and new freedom, I make a new life plan on the regular. Today's plan is to enjoy the cheap living in Rochester and to vacation more. I bought a plane ticket about five minutes after making this plan. I just want to see everyone and everywhere before I'm paying big city rent checks again and can't afford more than a trip to Friendly's. Here is a little of Denver from last week.
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