Having honest conversations about your life is so wonderful and helpful and gut wrenching all at the same time. I constantly over-analyze everything. It must be so exhausting to be my friend. I can't possibly tell you a truth about myself without conditioning it with all of the completely self aware thoughts surrounding that truth. A friend of mind posted a link to an article of an advice columnist the other day on Facebook. She pointed out a specific paragraph that described herself. Another in that article described me:
"...I have a very deep, intractable need to be understood and appreciated for exactly who I am. This nugget of high expectations exists at the center of my psyche. Now, sure, everyone wants to be understood and appreciated. But exactly how much energy will most people expend in order to be understood and appreciated by people who either don't have the time or don't have any concrete reason to express such things? Personally speaking, I will work tirelessly to be understood. I will explain and re-explain. And at some level, I am absolutely certain that, with enough explaining, I will be understood and embraced—at long last!"
One Christmas morning, I was probably 25 or so, my brother and my roommate presented me with a Christmas present. It was big fluffy pink bunny slippers, with the price tag on. My brother smiled at me so proudly. I immediately started crying and asked if they were kidding. I was so upset. I couldn't believe that he - who had grown up with me forever, and my best friend of years had given me such a stupid present. And it wasn't that it was stupid in and of itself - it was that they thought I would like it. I felt like they didn't know me at all and I felt so betrayed. Then they handed me a little box and said "oh yeah this too". They had bought me an ipod. And it was engraved. It was a present that I didn't even know I wanted and hadn't asked for but immediately felt like it was the one thing I had wanted. I cried even more. I felt bad at having been mad at them for the slippers, and I felt more loved that I knew what to do with.
There are moments when i'm crying, probably looking spoiled. and moments when I seem like i'm arguing just to be argumentative but there is so much truth to the intrinsic need that I feel to be understood. So much so, that if I feel betrayed by someone, I question that I was ever understood or loved by them to begin with.... I was going to write something like "i'm sure that's a totally selfish way of thinking/living" but then realized that'd be speaking to my earlier point that I need to explain that I already understand the stupid aspects of myself. ugh. being me is exhausting.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Everyone's (got) a problem
Happy Thanksgiving!!
Today sucks. I woke up with a flat tire and strep throat. It hurts to be awake, let alone trying to tackle eating things (my thanksgiving: water and a banana). The combination of both prevented me from joining my family 6 hours away. It just didn't seem right to drive 6+ hrs with a fever, arriving hours late, missing dinner completely, and getting several other people sick. I feel like my sister-in-laws who stay-at-home with their tiny ones would be so mad. And then I'd be sick working tomorrow with an angry client on the phone and two little girls who want to play knocking at the door. And I really want to play with those little girls. I should have taken the end of the week off and I should have kept drinking hot toddies each night this week. You can't get sick when the whiskey's disinfecting your throat daily, right?
Everyone keeps posting "You're part of the problem!" posts on their blogs and their facebook about people shopping today. It's so weird to me. I don't really know what they're trying to accomplish, first of all. Do they think enough people will feel guilty, that Thanksgiving shopping will be unsuccessful and never happen again? I don't understand why people are so upset and concerned with other people's traditions. I mean, yes, I do feel bad for people having to work on a holiday...that being said...in my former experience as a manager, there were always people who wanted to work. People who needed or wanted the extra money, ignored holidays, or didn't in fact have families to spend their holidays with. I also really like going to the movies every Christmas so I have no right taking up the not-working-on-holidays campaign. Also, when I was a flight attendant and feeling so alone on thanksgiving in my hotel, I was really grateful for the open Denny's across the street so that I at least wasn't physically alone. Anyway, shopping, back to shopping. Do I think saying you're thankful for things in your life and then immediately going shopping for meaningless crap is weird? Yes. But do I think saying you're thankful for your family and then moving to the tv set and ignoring those same people to watch football etc is weird too? Yes. But we can't force everyone to love their family and play charades every fourth Thursday in Nov, guys. Everyone does weird things! All the time! Who cares? Isn't the whole point of being American/grown up that we get to do whatever we want?
I was raised to be really America about my opinions. Always right for everyone. The more I meet people that way and people who aren't, the more I know I don't want to be America. I want to be Canada, you know? Whatever, eh.
Today sucks. I woke up with a flat tire and strep throat. It hurts to be awake, let alone trying to tackle eating things (my thanksgiving: water and a banana). The combination of both prevented me from joining my family 6 hours away. It just didn't seem right to drive 6+ hrs with a fever, arriving hours late, missing dinner completely, and getting several other people sick. I feel like my sister-in-laws who stay-at-home with their tiny ones would be so mad. And then I'd be sick working tomorrow with an angry client on the phone and two little girls who want to play knocking at the door. And I really want to play with those little girls. I should have taken the end of the week off and I should have kept drinking hot toddies each night this week. You can't get sick when the whiskey's disinfecting your throat daily, right?
Everyone keeps posting "You're part of the problem!" posts on their blogs and their facebook about people shopping today. It's so weird to me. I don't really know what they're trying to accomplish, first of all. Do they think enough people will feel guilty, that Thanksgiving shopping will be unsuccessful and never happen again? I don't understand why people are so upset and concerned with other people's traditions. I mean, yes, I do feel bad for people having to work on a holiday...that being said...in my former experience as a manager, there were always people who wanted to work. People who needed or wanted the extra money, ignored holidays, or didn't in fact have families to spend their holidays with. I also really like going to the movies every Christmas so I have no right taking up the not-working-on-holidays campaign. Also, when I was a flight attendant and feeling so alone on thanksgiving in my hotel, I was really grateful for the open Denny's across the street so that I at least wasn't physically alone. Anyway, shopping, back to shopping. Do I think saying you're thankful for things in your life and then immediately going shopping for meaningless crap is weird? Yes. But do I think saying you're thankful for your family and then moving to the tv set and ignoring those same people to watch football etc is weird too? Yes. But we can't force everyone to love their family and play charades every fourth Thursday in Nov, guys. Everyone does weird things! All the time! Who cares? Isn't the whole point of being American/grown up that we get to do whatever we want?
I was raised to be really America about my opinions. Always right for everyone. The more I meet people that way and people who aren't, the more I know I don't want to be America. I want to be Canada, you know? Whatever, eh.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Give an Inch
I try to set strict visitation rules with my parents. Out of the country, they don't email me for months. My dad, literally emailed me twice in 13 months. Once was to tell me my W-2's came in. The second email was to tell me I should send him my resume so he could look it over before I came home. Living in the same city, however, my dad wants me over for bbqs and football every Sunday and my mom would stop over my apt. everyday if she could. No stop-overs allowed.
Lately my mom's been kind of bummed, so I spent some good weekend time with her doing whatever she wanted without complaining. A rare treat for her. Then she emailed me Monday AM and I felt like I should reply instead of just reading it. Then she texted me three times on her lunch break, called me to see how I was, and texted me later that day to see if I wanted to go to a play with her. The next day, she emailed me in the morning to tell me I was wonderful. I responded 'all my goodness comes from you!'...To which she responded 'Glory to God for all things - all of our goodness and mercy is from Him'. *ugghh* To which I told her, "Accepting a compliment isn't a sin, mom, I promise". She texted me after work to ask about my day and the next morning. In addition, she sent two emails the following morning. She's called me two times this week and left messages saying she just wanted to hear my voice. I love my mom. A lot. But this kind of clinging makes me sooooooooo uncomfortable. Even if it's coming from my mom.
If any of my brothers are reading this, can you please call your mother!?
Ok and in full disclosure, I looked into my emails from my dad to check my facts. Three more, 1 on my birthday of simply the birthday song lyrics (thank you for remembering), 1 of a picture of the birthday present that I had sent to him (thoughtful), and 1 wishing me a happy fathers day explaining that I too have an "eternal father". hm.
So, have boundaries.
And my family isn't very good at middle ground.
Lately my mom's been kind of bummed, so I spent some good weekend time with her doing whatever she wanted without complaining. A rare treat for her. Then she emailed me Monday AM and I felt like I should reply instead of just reading it. Then she texted me three times on her lunch break, called me to see how I was, and texted me later that day to see if I wanted to go to a play with her. The next day, she emailed me in the morning to tell me I was wonderful. I responded 'all my goodness comes from you!'...To which she responded 'Glory to God for all things - all of our goodness and mercy is from Him'. *ugghh* To which I told her, "Accepting a compliment isn't a sin, mom, I promise". She texted me after work to ask about my day and the next morning. In addition, she sent two emails the following morning. She's called me two times this week and left messages saying she just wanted to hear my voice. I love my mom. A lot. But this kind of clinging makes me sooooooooo uncomfortable. Even if it's coming from my mom.
If any of my brothers are reading this, can you please call your mother!?
Ok and in full disclosure, I looked into my emails from my dad to check my facts. Three more, 1 on my birthday of simply the birthday song lyrics (thank you for remembering), 1 of a picture of the birthday present that I had sent to him (thoughtful), and 1 wishing me a happy fathers day explaining that I too have an "eternal father". hm.
So, have boundaries.
And my family isn't very good at middle ground.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Working it Out
It's weird how every job I have shapes me in a new way. I mean, it's probably not weird at all, but I'm very aware of it. There are very specific traits I have and habits/qualities I value because of certain past job experiences. I think it's why I'm never satisfied doing one thing for very long, or staying in one place forever. When I was younger, someone put it in my head that being the same as an adult as you were when you were a kid is a failure. I haven't stopped looking for change ever since.
So anyway, my current job is pretty much the same as my old one but less busy. I'm at home with more down time and way less stress. I also work different hours than most of my coworkers which forces me to test the site and research to get answers rather than asking for them. It's so unlike me. Previously, I thought it was an inefficient use of my time to try and figure things out when I could just ask someone and get the info. I still think that. Other people may see it as lazy, my brain sees it as smart. The differences in people. Oh the differences. But, having the time to spend on experimenting and learning is teaching me to appreciate it more... and it's definitely shifting my thinking. Maybe someday I'll want to read an instruction manual.
probably not
Also in my downtime, I've been reading through some old journals. They make me both really happy and sad at the same time. I miss things, people, the way things were etc. Even in times when everything was shit though, there are these excerpts about a conversation with a friend, or looking across a skyline that was more beautiful than anything I'd seen before. Stories of singing karaoke in a smoky room all night, losing the time over Skype til birds started chirping, getting a surprise and thoughtful package, or playing a (stupid) prank that everyone kept going. Over the years of sporadic entries, there's always a few excerpts that take me back to those moments and remind me how good things can be. Even in a mess of shit, one moment can make everything seem ok.
Also, when I die, my journals should be burned. not tossed around the room like magazines to read like my grandparents' were. I want to take my secrets with me.
So anyway, my current job is pretty much the same as my old one but less busy. I'm at home with more down time and way less stress. I also work different hours than most of my coworkers which forces me to test the site and research to get answers rather than asking for them. It's so unlike me. Previously, I thought it was an inefficient use of my time to try and figure things out when I could just ask someone and get the info. I still think that. Other people may see it as lazy, my brain sees it as smart. The differences in people. Oh the differences. But, having the time to spend on experimenting and learning is teaching me to appreciate it more... and it's definitely shifting my thinking. Maybe someday I'll want to read an instruction manual.
probably not
Also in my downtime, I've been reading through some old journals. They make me both really happy and sad at the same time. I miss things, people, the way things were etc. Even in times when everything was shit though, there are these excerpts about a conversation with a friend, or looking across a skyline that was more beautiful than anything I'd seen before. Stories of singing karaoke in a smoky room all night, losing the time over Skype til birds started chirping, getting a surprise and thoughtful package, or playing a (stupid) prank that everyone kept going. Over the years of sporadic entries, there's always a few excerpts that take me back to those moments and remind me how good things can be. Even in a mess of shit, one moment can make everything seem ok.
Also, when I die, my journals should be burned. not tossed around the room like magazines to read like my grandparents' were. I want to take my secrets with me.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Just some ideas, radio
1. It makes me kind of sad when the news is asking for donations while talking about the death toll in another country and then feels the need to say, "and X amount of Americans have died too so please give" as if that's actually the reason we need to care about it. Sad because I think it is actually a motivator for some people? yuck
2. The song "Let Her Go" is great, I really enjoy it. Thanks for it. But. Maybe don't talk about the tragedy in the Philippians and then immediately play it?
Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow ...
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home ...
Off.
2. The song "Let Her Go" is great, I really enjoy it. Thanks for it. But. Maybe don't talk about the tragedy in the Philippians and then immediately play it?
Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow ...
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home ...
Off.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Freedom
I have this new job that lets me work from anywhere... which means I'm no longer tied to Rochester, NY.... Hallelujah! So, my biggest problem in life right now is not knowing where to move to. #KnockOnWood? #Don'tWorryI'mStillMiserable. Anyway, Last week I went to Denver to work from a friends' and to visit her and her husband. Both the trip and the city are pretty amazing. We met a good number of people who think they know everything but more than that, everyone was so friendly - and people kept saying, "Welcome to Denver!" (which is a phrase no one has ever uttered w/ western NY city substitute. ever). Now that I have this new job and new freedom, I make a new life plan on the regular. Today's plan is to enjoy the cheap living in Rochester and to vacation more. I bought a plane ticket about five minutes after making this plan. I just want to see everyone and everywhere before I'm paying big city rent checks again and can't afford more than a trip to Friendly's. Here is a little of Denver from last week.
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