I like to move. I also really like meeting strangers. There are a number of reasons why, but one of the greatest is this notion of not wanting to get stuck in my life or myself. Living abroad kind of spoils you to experiencing other cultures and teaching in S. Korea you become exposed to so many different cultures and lifestyles and people (that you normally may not) just by the nature of your position there. I've come to learn that there is this common thread amongst myself and other teachers I knew from there feeling this sense of resentment about us not caring about our life before. It's not true. We all care about the people who formally played (or still play) a large roll in our lives. It's just different. As is any life change. Marriage, babies, relocation, whatever it may be. I think the main difference is just this desire to not get stuck in your own world. I'm not sure I've transitioned very well. Ok. I'm sure. I haven't. I didn't. In the sense that we've felt ok about things but have heard we're not being good friends. None of us intended or felt like we were being that way but finding out it wasn't just me has been really comforting/freeing.
So I was watching tv and it struck a cord and reminded me of things I've been living but long since forgotten....or maybe couldn't verbalize before seeing it third party. They talked about cutting off your old life and relationships that were physically absent to make yourself feel ok. Basically on a very simple level, to be able to keep operating inspite of the loss. I think that happened. I think it reads sometimes as (me) being a bad friend...and I don't say that to minimalize it - maybe just point blank - I was being a bad friend. But at some point, it seemed necessary - more so being back than away even. But that's a small part - and not true for too many ppl in my life but was probably very true for some. Beyond that however, there is this huge difference between a community of strangers that band together because language or culture are their bond and the other world where things aren't changing and you create some sense of change. It was really strange to love strangers and to go home to people I loved but to hear more gossip and hate about one another than I heard in years. It's part of why I wanted to leave. More love. But, I think watching tv reminds me of that sense that originally rang true to me in Korea and made me love strangers. It drew/draws me in to the idea of meeting new people because It's just really nice to be reminded that the world and people are so much greater than my world and myself. I don't have it all figured out yet. The balance that needs to happen between the two worlds. and I think a large burden lies on me just being a good friend to the people I've known forever. But along with that, I wish everyone could keep drama low and the community large because there is always another perspective or life story you wouldn't have on your own. There is so much mutually beneficial in opening yourself up to others. And if i'm being completely honest, it's easier too. A stranger doesn't have conceptions of who you should be or what you should do. You get to be authentic without the pressure of your reputation. If you've got issues undealt with, they'll surface again - it's no escape from yourself that's for sure...But perhaps your patterns. Which we could all use once in a while. And maybe should be mandatory. I have this really inappropriate joke with a friend about needing cancer so I can appreciate things. It's terribly distasteful to say, especially considering. But the heart of that - is that some of us need reminders outside of our regular lives that we're blessed or happy or fucked or doing well. You can't always see it in your own head. You can't always see it surrounded by everything you've always known. Sometimes you need to see it happening to someone else to remember it's a thing.
I feel blessed to know the people I have known for years. I don't get super sappy but i'd be excited about a reunion of my Korean work friends clashing w/ my phil and roch friends and seeing how that all plays out. In my mind we're all old and everyone would like each other and learn more about one another. it could be great.
I felt guilty for a while but have learned that the issue is beyond ourselves. I think very open and honest discourse is the only solution to these set backs. and if thats not an option then I guess you're just resigned to hating or scoffing or whatever else people do. But I like learning more and growing and new exposures so it should happen.. we should just get 1 million different stories together with a swan fountain and live like it's 2003 again. it's like finding out in hs jocks and punk rock kids hang out together because they all smoke weed. there's a common bond everywhere you just have to find it and we should all be nice!
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