thank you, fireman

Oh shit.  the scariest thing just happened to me. I was walking home from the bar.. Its not a far walk but it was a really nice day so I wore shoes instead of my boots. I was walking home and a silver sedan with a back door rolled by me and hollered at me. nbd.  but then it hualted quickly and turned down the street and came then came back up a block away, it circled back in front of me and I walked slower to not cross as they passed.  a fire truck was a few blocks off.  they came back two street up as I hit ice covered over by snow and bit it.   they quickly turned, drove half the distance between us and backed into an alley way.  I crossed the st to the fire truck and knocked on the doors to wake up the slumbering men inside.  the driver came out and I explained the story.  I lived a block down, I was getting circled.  he was nice and concerned to a modest extent until they pulled out of the alley and I pointed out the car.  He seemed to believe me more and immediately take more concern, understandably so... they circled twice more in our conversation and I made to be sure to tell him what the other side of the car looked like.  the second time,  he made a point to point them out.  Then, he talked about calling 911 loudly.  After that he hung out with me a while longer.   I felt like an emergency call wasn't necessary but hanging out by sirens for a while was.  Eventually they stopped circling for a long enough, that I felt ok making it home with just his promise to watch me walk.  I'm home. life is ok.  the moral of the story is men in trucks with sirens are your friend. and wear boots.   

Knock Knock, Shut Up, Oh

So my upstairs neighbors have been playing music since they moved in several months ago.   It's been here and there and i was empathetic to musicians wants to make music.  If it was really bothering me, i'd just go down the street to the coffee house or something.  I guess I didn't say anything for long enough that it seemed like their second story apartment was a good venue because band practice started happening alllll the time.  I was getting more and more frustrated and yesterday it was loud and during the day and I had calls to make so I finally went upstairs and told them it needed to stop. 

What do you know, three hours later i'm going to a bar to see my friend John play and my upstairs neighbors are there and in one of the bands playing. Why did I pick that day.   so awkward.

Today, by the way, the house has been SILENT.   It's amazing.

Moving

My lease is coming up soon - I don't know which month exactly but soon.    I don't know what to do.  I can't decide what to do.  I've never had so much freedom.  I want to go everywhere!  Some days being near family seems important; others, a plane ride will suffice.  Some days I want to live near friends but then I think about friends moving and me wondering how I got somewhere I didn't want to be.  Some days, I want a unique landscape.  Sometimes just a movie theatre and ikea.   Lately, I really just want sunshine and a pool.  Five months of winter and grey is so depressing.  I always planned as an adult to just find a job that I really liked and move to where it was... I never anticipated finding a job I really liked and being able to move anywhere that I wanted.   How do I know where the right place to go is?  How do I decided this!?   THIS IS TOO MUCH PRESSURE.

Ice Heart

So much snow and ice here.  I was walking the other day and did that thing where I tensed all of my muscles to try and not fall.   In the moment, I didn't think about anything other than staying upright.  But later when I was not "being careful" and just randomly slipped and half-fell, I realized how walking so tensely was more painful/uncomfortable than the half-fall out of nowhere.  Which got me thinking about how drunk drivers don't get as injured as non-drunk drivers in car accidents.  Which got me wondering if there's a psychological correlation as well.  Does bracing ourselves for pain in-and-of-itself make everything hurt more?  Is attempting to protect yourself the difference between becoming jaded and being happy?    

Waste

Sometimes I like to leave the lights and tv on when I go out.  Just to come home to signs of life.

Moving Gossip

So... It may or may not be true but I've heard from someone who heard from a reliable source that a boy I work with up and moved to Florida this week (because it's too cold here).   He is in fact in Florida, but he had a house? and a boyfriend?  and he told me last week he was probably going to switch his internet provider to mine because his was so unreliable? Waiting another 13 hours for answers from him might kill me.  I need to know how this happened.  and if it happened. and what's going on with his house. and did he really own a house. and did he meet someone in a club when we were there for training who he fell in love with and has been text dating ever since and now moved to be with.  or did he and his boyfriend break up suddenly and he moved far away to start a new life in a new place. or is he just working from starbucks in Florida on a Wednesday for fun.  because he can.   

TV might be good for you

I like to move.  I also really like meeting strangers.  There are a number of reasons why, but one of the greatest is this notion of not wanting to get stuck in my life or myself.  Living abroad kind of spoils you to experiencing other cultures and teaching in S. Korea you become exposed to so many different cultures and lifestyles and people (that you normally may not) just by the nature of your position there.  I've come to learn that there is this common thread amongst myself and other teachers I knew from there feeling this sense of resentment about us not caring about our life before.  It's not true.  We all care about the people who formally played (or still play) a large roll in our lives.  It's just different.  As is any life change. Marriage, babies, relocation, whatever it may be.  I think the main difference is just this desire to not get stuck in your own world.  I'm not sure I've transitioned very well.  Ok. I'm sure. I haven't. I didn't. In the sense that we've felt ok about things but have heard we're not being good friends.  None of us intended or felt like we were being that way but finding out it wasn't just me has been really comforting/freeing. 
So I was watching tv and it struck a cord and reminded me of things I've been living but long since forgotten....or maybe couldn't verbalize before seeing it third party.  They talked about cutting off your old life and relationships that were physically absent  to make yourself feel ok. Basically on a very simple level, to be able to keep operating inspite of the loss.  I think that happened.  I think it reads sometimes as (me) being a bad friend...and I don't say that to minimalize it - maybe just point blank - I was being a bad friend.  But at some point, it seemed necessary - more so being back than away even.  But that's a small part - and not true for too many ppl in my life but was probably very true for some.  Beyond that however, there is this huge difference between a community of strangers that band together because language or culture are their bond and the other world where things aren't changing and you create some sense of change.  It was really strange to love strangers and to go home to people I loved but to hear more gossip and hate about one another than I heard in years.  It's part of why I wanted to leave.   More love.  But, I think watching tv reminds me of that sense that originally rang true to me in Korea and made me love strangers. It drew/draws me in to the idea of meeting new people because It's just really nice to be reminded that the world and people are so much greater than my world and myself.  I don't have it all figured out yet.  The balance that needs to happen between the two worlds.  and I think a large burden lies on me just being a good friend to the people I've known forever.  But along with that, I wish everyone could keep drama low and the community large because there is always another perspective or life story you wouldn't have on your own.  There is so much mutually beneficial in  opening yourself up to others.   And if i'm being completely honest, it's easier too.  A stranger doesn't have conceptions of who you should be or what you should do.  You get to be authentic without the pressure of your reputation.  If you've got issues undealt with, they'll surface again - it's no escape from yourself that's for sure...But perhaps your patterns.  Which we could all use once in a while.  And maybe should be mandatory.   I have this really inappropriate joke with a friend about needing cancer so I can appreciate things.   It's terribly distasteful to say, especially considering.  But the heart of that - is that some of us need reminders outside of our regular lives that we're blessed or happy or fucked or doing well.   You can't always see it in your own head.  You can't always see it surrounded by everything you've always known.  Sometimes you need to see it happening to someone else to remember it's a thing.        
I feel blessed to know the people  I have known for years.  I don't get super sappy but i'd be excited about a reunion of my Korean work friends clashing w/ my phil and roch friends and seeing how that all plays out.  In my mind we're all old and everyone would like each other and learn more about one another.  it could be great. 
I felt guilty for a while but have learned that the issue is beyond ourselves.  I think very open and honest discourse is the only solution to these set backs.  and if thats not an option then I guess you're just resigned to hating or scoffing or whatever else people do.  But I like learning more and growing and new exposures so   it should happen..  we should just get 1 million different stories together with a swan fountain and live like it's 2003 again.  it's like finding out in hs jocks and punk rock kids hang out together because they all smoke weed.   there's a common bond everywhere  you just have to find it and we should all be nice!