on monday

i came home from work to a number of missed calls.  people who usually didn't call me during the day.  i knew something was going on, but i guessed that our friend had been called into military service and we were getting together to do something before he left.  really, they were all calling to say another friend was dead.  she had killed herself the night before.  they kept telling me i needed to come to the wake to pray for the soul of the dead.  i didn't want to be anywhere near it.  i tried walking to the street to catch a cab but i couldn't. i couldn't accept walking to a cab, to take me to a wake because my friend was dead.  i had just seen her. a while later, when i felt like i couldn't cry anymore, i made my way down the street and got into a cab. 'the greatest love' by whitney houston was playing. 

The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all 

i scoffed. god is ironic, or cruel, or funny, or something.

when i arrived, i stood outside the building amongst friends. most of us silent and everyone red eyed. twenty minutes or so went by when a friend asked if i wanted company inside. i said no. i went in, not knowing what i was walking to, but i knew which room when i saw a white person standing outside of it. the husband of her pregnant sister. her best friend hugged me and took me into the next room with sk's picture surrounded by flowers, candles, incense and across from that, a bed for the family members to stay on.  she told me to light incense but she had to steady my hand for me to do so. she told me to say what i wanted to sk. i said fuck you. then i said a prayer for her soul and her family.  i was supposed to bow to her mother - maybe say something, i have no idea but i couldn't really keep it together.  everyone was sitting at a table with food and drinks in the adjoining room but i went straight back to my shoes and outside.  that room and the grief of all those people was too much.  the loss of a loved one and the silence amongst friends who are typically so full of life, is a place i've been before. and a place i never wanted to be again without grey hairs and a sense of expectation.

death is awful. for everyone who's ever known it.  all i can think is to be aware of the perspective it gives you on life.  i'm not willing to be normal just yet, but i am certain to remember to be more grateful, loving, and kind.